Tonight, I joined a cyber life drawing – I don’t like life drawing too much as I get bored very quickly – and as I waited for the next pose I started drawing my studio and mapping my whereabouts in it.
I have been thinking how I still haven’t had space in my head to actually make work. Then I found this poem by Alvaro de Campos called “The Tobacco Shop” – actually Fernando Pessoa heteronym. The poem is very nihilist. It’s about being nothing and keeping on being nothing because he decides not to write down his thoughts, however he has all the dreams of the world.
I feel I’m warming up to something. There’s a momentum coming – what I call the wave. But, I normally don’t sit and wait for the wave to come. I tend to paddle slowly, constantly in order to make sure I don’t miss it. So last night, after listening and reading the poem many times I started writing. But I feel scared. The typical artist fear: always wanting to be exposed but also afraid of being too vulnerable.
I wrote about this fear with calligraphy quill and ink, then erased it with water. I like the result, it reminds me of the white chalk on black paper painting I showed in the Cookhouse, in February.
I’m also researching water where I live, as I’ve been commissioned to do this video installation based on water. I’m not sure if it’ll be realised but nevertheless, today I started filming.
“I am nothing
I shall never be anything
I cannot want to be anything.
Aside from that, I have within me all the dreams of the world.”
If you want to listen to Alvaro de Campos poem being read in Portuguese – though from Brazil
And here is the translation: